Orgasm – wanted but not achieved by all females. So close yet so far. So what makes this delightfully mysterious, intangible desire so hard to capture for some? The truth is closer than you think: It’s you.
Orgasm is a physical reflex, usually a pleasurable one, when the muscles that were tightened during sexual arousal relax and the body returns to its pre-arousal state. During sexual arousal there is increased blood flow to the genitals and tensing of muscles throughout the body and particularly in the genitals. Orgasm reverses this process through a series of rhythmic contractions. About 10 percent of women also ejaculate fluid from the urethra at orgasm.
You may have heard it a thousand times before, but if you can’t get yourself to climax, how can you expect your partner to? It is like asking someone to hunt for treasure without a map. So yes, this means getting cozy with yourself and masturbating.
Your body is unique. Nobody will get to know your body better than you. The fact that you see yourself as the main sexual partner is extremely important.
Masturbating helps you to learn exactly which pressures and rhythms you need in order to bring you to orgasm. So, it can be really useful. Getting to know your body is the key to becoming orgasmic.
Once you have learned to climax easily on your own, you can then show your partner exactly what you need in order to make you come.
If you want to orgasm during sex you have a few options – all of them include stimulating the clitoris at the same time that your man is inside you.
Most women experience orgasm through clitoral stimulation rather than through vaginal penetration. So if you are having difficulty reaching orgasm with a partner, try clitoral stimulation. Masturbation can also be an important step in learning to be orgasmic with a partner. Once you have discovered what type of touch and stimulation you enjoy, you will be better able to give your partner helpful directions.
So, while he is down there, don’t make the common mistake of expecting him to “give” you an orgasm. You are more likely to get your kicks if you take things into your own hands (literally) and realize that it might take a little multitasking to get you there.
Sex is not a one size fits all
All bodies and all couples are different so explore what works best for you.
It’s important to have patience and a sense of play as you discover with your partner what works best for you.
Some women have orgasms but don’t realize it. You might think that what you are experiencing is too mild to be an orgasm or otherwise doesn’t fit your idea of what an orgasm should feel like. It can be important to focus on what you do feel, and realizing that this may or may not match someone else’s experience of orgasm.
And for that, relaxation is the key.
Just as men are concerned about lasting longer, many women are so self-conscious about taking too long that they end up faking orgasm or deciding to go without. The solution? Stop obsessing over orgasms—yours and his. A recent brain-imaging study by Swedish researchers shows that relaxation is the single most important factor in bringing a woman to orgasm.
If you aren’t relaxed and detached from the stresses of the day, your chances of achieving orgasm are significantly decreased. Think about a hot scenario before and during sex. So go ahead, play sexy little movies in your mind about whatever turns you on – a hot moment you had last year or a vision of what’s to come.
Now, let’s see some positions that have been tweaked and tailored by sex experts to help you reach orgasm every single time.
Doggy style is a great position for the woman because it allows her to have optimal control. “She is able to adjust her range of motion for an angle that feels best,” says Amy Levine, a sex coach and founder of Ignite Your Pleasure . “He can likely stimulate her G-spot and have access to her clitoris with his hand, her hand or a toy, like a small bullet-shaped vibrator.” Sexologist Gloria Brame, Ph.D. also stresses the importance of clitoral stimulation while in the doggie style position. “She will rarely have an orgasm if you’re not doing something manually in front at the same time,” she says.
Doggy style makes for super deep stimulation. Women who are able to orgasm from penetration alone will benefit from the intensity of this position, and from the direct G-spot stimulation. Women who require clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm will find it particularly easy to use their hand or a toy in this position.
Variations: The Pillow Technique – Place a pillow underneath your stomach and rest on it. So, you are relaxed and just ready to be pounded. Lastly, just go for it. Thrust downwards, hard and with a steady pace so that it’s consistent. Your man have to try and maintain the thrusting for 5 minutes. If he can do that you’ll have a squirting orgasm in no time.
Girl on Top
Girl-on-top tends to be a go-to for achieving orgasm, and for good reason! “It allows you to dictate the pace and depth of thrusting, but mainly, you have easy access to your clitoris,” says Berman. You can touch your G-spot, have him touch it, or rub against his pubic bone to achieve orgasm.
Being on top is the most popular position for a lot of women because it gives you complete control over the pace, angle, depth, and level of stimulation. There are a ton of fun variations of this position, making it very versatile.
Variations: Twist around so you’re pointed toward his feet in reverse cowgirl position. Instead of straddling him, put your legs together, feet flat between his legs. With your legs together, the fit is even tighter, making the sensations more intense. Plus, there’s increased G-spot stimulation, which combined with your own clitoral strokes, makes for an explosive orgasm.
According to sex experts, women get the most pleasure out of basic missionary sex. “Interestingly, when we surveyed women, good old-fashioned missionary position was the overall favorite. There’s nothing fancy about it, but women said they loved the closeness and the intimacy of having their partner’s weight on them,” says Solot. To make this position most effective, your man must be attentive to the correct angle. By going in diagonally—rather than straight in and out—there’s more friction for clitorial stimulation, which is best, since that’s how most women achieve orgasm.
Variations: Ankles Up – When the man is on top of you or flat, he can’t always achieve full penetration—which is why adjusting your leg positioning allows for deeper contact. You have to put your ankles up over his shoulders. It allows he to go as deep as possible and hit you G-spot. The same deepness can also be achieved by you bending your knees or placing the soles of your feet on his chest.
If none of these methods do not work on you, do not despair. In this case, you might consider asking for referral to a sex therapist or psychologist specializing in treating sexual difficulties.